part of the list

Mitt liv rullar vidare. När jag var 15 år så tänkte jag exakt så här :
Jag längtar tills jag är uppe i 20 år för då försvinner all drama och bullshit.

Kunde nog inte ha haft mer fel. Att en människa du delat en massa med kan göra dig så besviken i slutendan.. Det finns tjejer där ute som omvandlas till psykopater så fort man avslutar saker med dom.
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- Kallar killen för ett svin/äckel.
- Vägrar inse att det är över.
- Bråkar med tjejer som man tror är killens ''nya''.
- Snear ''han'' ute på stan, klubbar etc.
- Sprider osanna saker och skämmer ut en.
- Bombar killens telefon med sms/samtal.
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Det jag vill komma fram till är att jag lärt mig att även vissa killar fungerar sådär. Dom kan inte svälja sin stolthet och gå vidare efter ett avslut. Läs punkterna ovan. Om ni känner igen er sluta med det. Okej det är as jobbigt och få sitt hjärta krossat.. Det finns inget värre. Men tänk så här istället :
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Jag själv hade aldrig klarat av att vara med någon som inte älskar mig längre . Och ja man kan sluta älska någon. Då tackar jag för mig och går vidare. Det finns en för alla där ute. Det kanske inte är just han/hon. Ni hade det bra tillsammans och han/hon fick dig att le. Finns ingen anledning till att hata personen efter. Hur kan man försöka skada någon man en gång älskat och delat så mycket med ?
Det är och förblir en stor gåta.
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so sorry..

I don't know how to start, so I’ll just say everything that comes to my head. Its been one rough month and I know I haven't made it easy.  I let so much things from my past get the best of me. I just want to say that I liked you and I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry that I didn't turn out to be the person I should have been. You've been good to me.. To good. I know there is no choice but to walk away then 2 let it go on.
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min hjärna ?

There you go. You're in my head. I can't get you out, you're in there eating away all my thoughts, clouding my judgements, just taking over everything. My thoughts is running wild, we already had numerous dates in my head and plenty of conversations. You've already told me how beautiful you think I am and we had our first fight. I met your friends and they think I'm great. You let me beat you in your favorite video game and you saw me cry during a sad movie. You held my hand and pulled me in for a sweet kiss.
Then I bring myself back to earth and realize its just in my head. Stupid memories. If my best friend wasnt here right now i would literally explode. Jag är den typ av människa som tänker way 2 much.
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Sen till en annan sak : Har ni också fått höra att känslor tydligen sitter i hjärnan ? Svartsjuka, hat, kärlek och allt det där. Att vi skulle älska med hjärnan och inte med hjärtat ? Att det bara är en muskel och inget mer. Vrickat!
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Människan har i alla tider associerat kärlek och känslor med just hjärtat, eftersom själen är belägen i hjärtat, vilket är mitt hjärtas övertygelse. Handen på hjärtat, kära vänner, visst sitter våra djupaste känslor såsom kärlek, empati och vördnad i hjärtat? I själ och hjärta - inte hjärna - är jag övertygad om att ni håller med mig, eller hur? Men det finns nu bekräftar att det de facto är hjärtat som är medvetandets säte och inte hjärnan, som hjärnkramarna felaktigt tror. Är lite lost nu förstår ni. Vad säger ni ?
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true.



What's your type ?

Ska strax ut och springa och då tänker ni herregud klockan är 12 . Men det skiter jag i.. Jag behöver det.  Och det här med att man säger att det är insidan och inte utsidan som räknas.. Alltså, BULLSHIT. Jag hade aldrig klarat av och vara tillsammans med en sten ful människa. Det tror jag INTE någon hade heller. Jag tycker att utseende är väldigt viktigt (vet att vissa säkert inte tycker det eller låtsas). En kille ska kunna klä sig snyggt och han SKA bry sig om sitt yttre. Nackdelen med att bara gå efter yttre är att ''den här'' typen (snygga då) av killar oftast är svin/idioter/har något fel/gör något fel. Och sen till det här med att ha ''en typ''. Man kan nog inte ha EN typ. Eller ? Jag har träffat/haft förhållande med alla möjliga :
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Det enda dom här killarna har haft gemensamt är ''snyggheten''. Det jag vill komma fram till är att vi människor faktiskt inte har någon speciell typ egentligen utan det är mer utsidan som drar oss och den som säger att den inte har en betydelse ljuger för sig själv och för andra. Det är synd att vi fungerar på det sättet. But thats life.
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Btw : Jag visste inte att jag var tillsammans med en bank robber då hade jag självklart inte gett mig in på det. Fick reda på detta efter att han åkte in. Sen drug dealern .. Ja det höll endå inte länge. Jag tror att det här med Bad Boys är lite spännande för oss tjejer. Vi tycker om att leva lite farligt. Tänder på det där kanske ?
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Singel.

Som alla vet så är jag singel igen. I ended everything cus it just didnt feel right. I cant really say that i was inlove .. But i wish i was. Was he charming ? Yes. Funny ? Yes. Well he was perfect in every way. He is everything a girl wants. The sad part is that after 8 months togheter I  realised that he was 2 damn perfec for me and that i liked him but not enough to stay. I lost feelings and i told him the truth. There arent any RIGHT ways to break up. Who ever said that lied. I didnt want to hurt him but I did. I couldnt pretend to love him. He deserves someone who will love him for real and I want to find my right one. We are brought up to believe that the right one is out there. That our knight will find us on his white steed and we will live happily ever after. We are impregnated with films and books with the stories about our knight in shining armor. But what happens when you are certain that your knight is not for you? When it's not the guy who is the villain. It’s you. Is there a knight out there then? Because the truth is that I think I found my knight, but the problem is that I do not want the knight who wants meWill I fall in love again? Is there a knight for me? Or is the universe mad at me for slapping it in the face because I was not happy with the knight that I received Will the universe be angry that I gave back my knight? Only the future can answer that. But I really hope that my knight is still out there and will find me.
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trust.

It’s been a cycle since I was fourteen, maybe younger. I start a relationship with boys, almost instantly. It’s wonderful and perfect and everything I’ve ever wanted. After about a year or so, I get bored. As much as I hate to admit that I’m this kind of person, I have cheated on every serious boyfriend I have ever had (except Mateo). I’m only 20 but that’s been four guys. I’m afraid to be alone, so when things start getting rocky with a guy I find a replacement before I even end things with them. I have not ever trusted a man in my life except for my father and I later learned that he betrayed my trust in a way that was completely unforgivable (as u know he left me when i was 4 years old) but I was too young to know. I loved him with all my heart. I have never been able to trust a man, or really anyone, since. I have liked a lot of guys for my age. Who knows if it was ever real love, but now I doubt that it ever was because I’ve realized without trust you can never have true love. At some point, I’ve seen my father in every boy I’ve dated, even if for just a second. And that changes everything in the relationship for me. It’s taken me a while to realize that.
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I don’t know how or where to start but I need to change. I need to get over the things that have happened to me in the past. I need to be alone, for once and work on bettering myself. Being alone has been my biggest fear since I was a child, even if for a short time. I need to face that fear. I need to learn to trust myself before I can ever trust anyone else and have a happy relationship.
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To everyone I’ve ever hurt, I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me one day.
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"I am good, but not an angel. I do sin, but I am not the devil. I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love." – Marilyn Monroe.

free at last ? not.

Everyone has one- that one guy you just cannot seem to erase no matter how hard you try. He is the one who inconveniently pops into your mind just moments before you fall asleep, the name you hope to see appear on your phone, the guy who took an irretrievable piece of you at a time during your past. He may have been the one who hurt you or maybe you were the one who hurt him. Regardless of how it worked out, he is the guy you will never forget and the one you are thinking about while reading this. Yep... everyone has one.
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This is to the guy that I cannot seem to erase - I'm starting to think you were solely put in my life to cause me heartache. Every time I think I have finally forgotten you, there you are right back in my life to remind me. Yet still, there are times when I wish you had picked me. You had the simple choice all to yourself - me or her. The ball was completely in your court. We were both recently out of relationships, which made everything fresh and exciting, but when she wanted you back you didn't just go running back, you sprinted. It all happened so fast you left me no time to react. I think you did it out of impulse because I know you regret it from time to time. But there it was, despite our undeniable connection, you picked her. You couldn't admit to yourself that you had fallen for me and I was so unexpectedly heartbroken I couldn't even fight back. That was it. you picked her and left me in a million little lonely pieces.
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For months thoughts were constantly bouncing around in my mind about what I could have done or said to have changed your mind. Should I have told you that I loved you earlier? Should I have put my broken heart aside and fought for you? Or maybe it was just a lost cause from the start. Regardless, I hope you know that I would have been there for you whenever needed.
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know you will always be that one guy to me. The one I fell head over heels for, the one that I will always question how it would be now , had it worked out differently, and the one that I will always save a little piece of my heart for. But for now, I have glued myself back together and I am trying to start over new.
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- why?

Spent a good fifteen minutes just staring at the blank white page. Didnt know how 2 start.. Awaiting my love story. Or not so love story. I wish I knew what i wanted to say, and it's not even that I have nothing to say, it's just my head is currently such a busy, crowded street with feelings and emotions bouncing off each other.
I don't know what happened (?) to us. It's like being in a car, driving down hill, and having the breaks go out. You just want it to stop, you want everything to be okay, you want to make it out alive but with the way things are going, it just doesn't seem like such a hopeful situation. But at this point it doesn't even matter because truthfully, I already feel dead. If my heart is still beating, i can't feel it anymore.
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marvins room.

Gick upp vid 8 idag. Jag har så mycket tankar i mitt huvud, varför gav gud mig en djup hjärna ? Och ett äckligt fitt förvirrat hjärta. Jag har så många frågor och alla kommer dom förbli obesvarade. Jag hade troligtvis kunnat få dom besvarade men vill jag verkligen veta ? Jag har en underbar pojkvän som älskar mig djupt och behandlar mig otroligt bra, det har varit vi i lite mer än 7 månader nu. Men i slutet av dagen då det är läggdags och min kropp befinner sig liggandes i sängen då är det min hjärna som försöker resa sig och springa bort eftersom att den jagas utav mitt förflutna. Jag önskar att den kunde låta mig va och sluta dyka upp när jag minst förväntar det. Jag hatar det men om jag måste erkänna så känns det skönt att den fortfarabde finns där. Äcklig känsla faktiskt. Någon borde ta tag i mig, skaka mig hårt och säga ''Släpp det idiot! Du befinner dig i något bra nu.''
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A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. - Edward de Bono

<3


från flickor till kvinnor.

Do you believe in soul mates? I didn't. I used to think that I would never find the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with in this little town, jag trodde att soul mate borde vara en kille. But then my best friend Oumie came along (runt 2006-07) ... and it's like everything I ever knew changed. Everything I ever wished for, hoped for, wanted to do... changed. Because of her. Because i knew that no matter what, she was a friend I would have the rest of my life. Oumie var/är min soul mate. Vart är Oumie ? Hon bor nu i stockholm. Jag visste inte att det skulle vara så här svårt. Jag kan inte låta bli och fälla en tår varje gång jag tänker, ser en bild på mig och Oumie. Hon var/är inte alls min bästa vän. Hon är min syster. Jag hatar att vi nu bor så långt ifrån varandra. Vi växte upp med varandra, vi växte ihop. Vi blev till en person. Där Oumie fanns där fanns Natalij och där Natalij fanns där kunde ni hitta Oumie.
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2009 ; Oumies födelsedag.
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2010 ; stockholm.
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2011 ; fortfarande vi.
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dont hold your breath.

Många tycker att jag är högfärdig, grymt elak, spänd och väldigt oschysst. Jag är inget av det. Jag ser väldigt kaxig ut men så är inte fallet jag är sjukt god hjärtad. Folk har för sig att jag snear dom ute, men det är bara mitt ansikts uttryck. Har jag inget spec. att le för så gör jag inte det, kan ju inte springa runt med värsta smilet på facet eller hur ? Testa komma fram och säg HEJ så får ni väl se om ni inte får ett jävligt glatt HEJ tillbaka. Ja, jag är väldigt försiktig när det kommer till att lära känna nya personer. Väldigt negativ angående den delen men det är inte mitt fel. Har man gått igenom så mycket sen barnsben så bygger man upp en sköld. Men det betyder inte att jag är omöjlig och bli vän med. Nu sitter jag här och yrar klockan är liksom halv 5 på morgonen. HEJ SÄNG!
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todays thoughts.

Todays thoughts were '' Hope, Love, Unanswered love and about NOT giving up ''. Even when life give's you every reason to give up, remind yourself of the reasons you're still standing. Yes, sometimes it's hard to stand up for someone who doesn't love you back. But love is blind. Love is unconditional.. Actually, what is love? It's not something we feel in our heart or something we contemplate or try to understand in our brains. It's the energy between two people. That's love. Love is food, love is family and love is friendship. And that's what we need to stand up for. We sit and complain about how life isn't fair and how we might never find love. But we forget the most important thing: Everything turns out okay in the end! If it's not okay, it's not the end. So what if the love of your life won't talk to you? So what? You can cry and you can worry but that won't make him see you for YOU. You are your best when you are HAPPY. Forget about them/him/her. Forget and live to the fullest. Find something you LOVE. And when they realize what they've lost, they'll come back. DON'T play "hard to get" unless you know deep down you really don't want them anymore. If they come back, accept them, or forever regret what could have been..

I held on. I never let go and I never gave up on him. But I didn't let that keep me from living my life. There were days when I felt like I couldn't get through, but I picked myself up and I smiled. And I got the love in the end (as u all know Ive now got the MOST Incredible Boyfriend).

My last note ; If you are afraid of showing someone how you feel, don't be! Honestly, what's the worst that could happen? We are still at the beginning of our lives, there is so much more for us to live for! Life goes on.. Don't let fear hold you back and keep HOPING. Hope got me through the roughest times of my life. And it will get me through all the others that are bound to come my way. Don't be a coward, either.. Fear is merely a feeling, cowardice is a choice of action. Be the best you can be, and don't do things you might be ashamed of to live life with no regrets.

with love,
a simple girl.



t-houghts.


sad but true.

I need to write this down so you can understand how deeply in love i was. This is a memory that keeps poppin' up in my head.

I remember that day in bed when my ear was pressed against his chest; his heart beat was beating loudly in that perfect body of his and his vibrating voice echoed through. I could feel it too. I counted that he had 23 birthmarks on his stomach, tracing them with the tip of my fingers. We talked for a long time in that position, talked about life, music, love, our love, him, me, us, everything.
We noticed that the sun had gone down and decided to grab something to eat. We raided the fridge, eating with our fingers in our underwear on the kitchen floor. He started playing on his acoustic guitar, his eyes shut, making that silly face. But suddenly, he stopped.
He looked up, smiled at me and bent over to kiss me. I giggled. Then he let go of the guitar to sit closer to me so he could hug me. I asked him why he got so lovey dovey all of a sudden. He replied with another kiss and said because he loved me. I loved him too, very much, and I told him that.
We stared into each others' eyes for a long time and I could feel the tears building up behind mine.
‘’You’ve never seen me cry have you?’’ I asked.
‘’No, and I hope that I never will.’’ He replied back with a serious voice.
But he did.
The salty water just came pouring down my face while he, confused, tried to wipe them away with his thumbs and kisses.
‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asked, almost crying himself.
‘’Because I love you.’’ I hated how desperate I sounded.
‘’But why are you crying then?’’
I didn’t know how to tell him. Tell him that he was the only boy in the world that could make me feel so happy and sad at the same time, tell him how lost I feel when he’s not around, how jealous I get when I’m with him that I swear I could hurt somebody. Tell him that I’m so in love with him and the love we shared, so happy that he was the one I woke up to everyday, even though he snores fucking loud sometime. Tell him that when he talks my whole body shivers, how when he kisses me I forget to breath sometimes, how I feel like a little girl when he puts my hair behind my ears, even though I hate how I look with my hair like that. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t understand why he loved me. So I simply replied:
‘’Because I love you.’’
I remember that day in bed when my ear was pressed against his chest; his heart beat was beating loudly in that perfect body of his and his vibrating voice echoed through. I could feel it too. I counted that he had 2 birthmarks on his stomach, tracing them with the tip of my fingers. We talked for a long time in that position, talked about life, music, love, our love, him, me, us, everything.
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We noticed that the sun had gone down and decided to grab something to eat. We raided the fridge, eating with our fingers in our underwear on the kitchen floor, i still remember how much we laughed about it. He started kicking on the football that was lying on the floor, his eyes shut, making that silly face. But suddenly, he stopped.
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He looked up, smiled at me and bent over to kiss me. I giggled. Then he let go of the ball so he could come n sit closer to me so he could hug me. I asked him why he got so lovey dovey all of a sudden. He replied with another kiss and said because he loved me. I loved him too, very much, but i never told him that in a honest way.
We stared into each others' eyes for a long time and I could feel the tears building up behind mine.
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‘’You’ve never seen me cry have you?’’ I asked.
‘’No, and I hope that I never will.’’ He replied back with a serious voice.
But he did.
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The salty water just came pouring down my face while he, confused, tried to wipe them away with his thumbs and kisses.
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‘’Why are you crying?’’ He asked, almost crying himself.
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‘’Because I love you.’’ I hated how desperate I sounded.
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‘’But why are you crying then?’’
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I didn’t know how to tell him. Tell him that he was the only boy in the world that could make me feel so happy and sad at the same time, tell him how lost I feel when he’s not around, how jealous I get when I’m with him that I swear I could hurt somebody. Tell him that I’m so in love with him and the love we shared, so happy that he was the one I woke up to everyday, even though he snores fucking loud sometime. Tell him that when he talks my whole body shivers, how when he kisses me I forget to breath sometimes, how I feel like a little girl when he puts my hair behind my ears, even though I hate how I look with my hair like that. I didn’t know how to tell him that I didn’t understand why he loved me. So I simply replied:
‘’Because I love you 2.’’ then i laughed.

stop coming back.

Why can’t I stop thinking about you? It was such a mistake. All of it… an all-consuming error in judgment that had me captivated and mesmerized by the situation. A good girl to the core, this was far beyond the everyday workings of such a responsible and trustworthy person like myself. Would it be corny to say, “you had me at hello”? - Because you did. I was drawn to you like a drug and from the first night that we spent together I was hooked. You were the perfect escape and release from the mundane aspects of reality. I would daydream about you and smile when I saw your name flash up on my phone; I would go back to the park where we met hoping to see you. It started out so innocent, the standard steps of a growing romance but then you broke my heart and made me become the other woman and in doing so you forced me to defy all the written rules of sisterhood and common decency. With this new information I tried to stay away from you and to be mature about what had happened and ignore the fact that you had used me, the fact that you had taken advantage of my naivety and my openness. But you were everywhere I looked, everywhere I went and you would reel me back in with empty promises and sweet talkings. You would tell me how beautiful I was and how you thought I was one of the most fascinating people you had ever met and so we went round in pointless and painful circles. You would hurt me and I would let you. You had even somehow let me believe that this was my idea and you were going along for the ride. To this day I still don’t know if you were right. Was it my fault? Could I have done more to prevent this? I shall spend years contemplating this. But because of you, I have grown – you took away my innocence and left me damaged. Things have been over for years, but you still obtain such a large space in my thoughts and I need closure, a concluding end to this chapter in my life that will always make me feel shame. So this is it. This is me saying goodbye to you, and that I will soon be the person I was once again. This is also me saying sorry, sorry that I let you hurt me, it wont happen again.
Sometimes people ask me why I like you but I never feel like explaining everything with us. And when I do try, it never comes out right so I can't blame them for not understanding. We've never been together like that. Meet you a few times, completely sober, just because we wanted to. And that was over a year ago. But in my thoughts i keep coming back to you. I had a massive crush that was like being on a roller coaster; one look from you and I was happy the whole day but I often saw you talking to other girls which was enough to drive me crazy. You were too cool to care and while I hid it well, I was hopelessly nuts about you.. But 2 you I was only Natalij.
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And you noticed that I wasn't around as much. You mentioned that you didn't like the guy i was dating to my friends but I knew it was in a friend-way and nothing more like I so desperately wanted. But right before winter break, we went out togheter. We talked like that first night and we felt that connection. We hooked up and I was foolish in thinking I wouldn't fall for him but I did. But you moved away and everything changed. By the time you got back, you had a girlfriend and another guy had fallen for me. And as unlikely as I thought it could be, I fell for him too. You were no longer on my mind as I got caught up in this amazing guy. He was perfect by all standards. He was brilliant, romantic, sensitive and treated me better than I thought possible.
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But you started to creep in. I wanted to text you but repressed the thoughts. I didn't talk to you when I saw you and for the longest time, we had our significant others and didn't think of each other. But one night in april, you chatted me, drunk of course, about how angry you were when I started dating the other guy. You said that even though you had your girlfriend and I had my boyfriend, that I couldn't deny that we had a connection. I couldn't deny it but I lied and stoped talking 2 you.
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I want to text you but our lives have gone different directions. I feel like we had a small margin of time to get it RIGHT, know that we missed it. But I keep coming back to thoughts of you.

true.

Det är många som frågat varför jag är på sjukhuset så ofta och vissa har även undrat varför jag tar Tramadol. Nej jag är inte någon TD-missbrukare men jag har inte velat dela med mig utav detta innan då jag inte accepterade det i början. Det är inte lätt att intala sig själv om att man är sjuk. Jag har en genetisk sjukdom som heter Chrons sjukdom. Det är en inflammation som sitter i tarmarna oftast i nedredelen men min sitter uppe. Den kan hållas i schack men inte tas bort och det gör Chrons obotlig. Symptomen är magsmärtor. Man kan också få feber, viktminskning, trötthet och ibland förekommer blod i avföringen, illamåenden. Den kommer i perioder, ibland mår jag hur bra som helst nästa dag kan jag inte gå upp ur sängen. Men nu går jag på behandlig vart 4 vecka och får dropp i två timmar. Kommer vara så resten av mitt liv men jag det är lugnt för mig, jag lever och jag mår bra. Tog med Mateo sist jag satt där i två timmar han är fan sjuk! Han gjorde det roligt. Och han följde med mig ut till hallen för att gå lite då jag inte orkade sitta ner i två timmar. Drog med min dropp som hänger på en jätte lång rullstång och så gick jag och han ut en stund prata skoja och så här.. Men när vi kommer tillbaka till rummet där vi satt sitter ett äldre par och så ler tanten jätte stor mot oss med en blick som talar för sig själv .. '' ni hade sex! ''. HAHAH, vi kunde inte sluta garva åt det för så var det ju inte. Hade liksom stången med mig, peta Mateo i rumpan med den.
Och det här åt jag idag ute i solen;

# djup.

Ne-Yos låt ''Part of the list'' är en utav mina favorit låtar. Jag är väldigt djup av mig fast jag ser spänd, liten och högfärdig ut. När jag lyssnar på musik så är det texten jag lyssnar på, det är texten som når till mig. Och Ne-Yos låt ''Part of the list'' hade jag kunnat skriva själv .. Inte för att jag är lika duktig som han utan för att det är som om han tar orden från min mun och mina tankar och skriver en hel låt. Tror dom flesta kan relatera till just den låten. Men det finns något med den låten som snurrar runt i mitt lilla huvud.. Låter texten förklara ;
Och tittar ni på videon så förstår ni. Jag har själv varit i den situationen .. Inte det enklaste. Då du träffar på någon du en gång i tiden varit EN med och han/hon står där med någon ny. Och man är liksom inte redo för något sånt än för själv har man fastnat, man kan liksom inte bara gå vidare. Det blir oftast så när det tar slut och man har en massa obesvarade frågor. Jag har pojkvän nu, och jag älskar verkligen han. MEN .. Så fort just den här enda personen skriver till mig så ler mitt hjärta lite och oroa inte er han har flickvän.. Men mitt hjärta stannar endå fortfarande till inte för att jag hade lämnat Mateo för någon men det är det förflutna som får mig att le. Massa minnen och man har alltid en människa som man varit med som alltid kommer ha den speciella platsen. Den man sen berättar för sina barnbarn om i smyg .. ''Det fanns en gång en kille med grönbruna ögon som ..''. Ja titta ni på videon nu, skrivit värsta bibeln här hehe .


favoritbild.

Var ett tag sen jag skrev ett spec inlägg.. men här kommer inlägg nr #3, en favorit bild på mig.
Inte för att jag bara ser bra ut på bilden utan för att min gammla hund Taylor är med på den. Gud vad jag saknar han. Historian bakom Taylor är att ; jag insjukna (vill inte dela med mig utav det här på bloggen än), så fick Taylor som present. Taylor hade själv haft det dåligt pga dåliga ägare innan mig. Så vi fann varandra ..


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